So here I am - At Washington National Airport, on what is supposedly the Worst Travel Day of the Year (duh-DUH) and I honestly can’t tell the difference. I got here 2 hours early (which involved waking up at 5am), came through security before anyone else had checked in, paid my exorbitant price for an hour of internet connection, and tried to tune out the morons, windbags, road warriors, adulterers, and wailing children who make up my comrades in arms for the day.

I see people get unduly upset in the airport all the time, and I just don’t understand it. I guess in the “Five Stages of Travel Grief,” I’ve traveled around the world enough to know that nobody at the airport gives a shit about you, you can yell at them all you want, and nothing’s going to change - so you should just get over it and find a way to cope. Whatever it is.

I guess if you were expecting to get here, have the lady magically upgrade you to first class on a full flight when you were too cheap to just buy the damn ticket first class when you originally bought it, breeze through security with no problems and have everyone treat you like a human being, not have to deal with other irritated and tired people at the gate, and get into a plane that’s comfortable and pleasant - well then yeah, you’re probably gonna be disappointed.

I however, already have an ulcer, and I have learned that there are worse things in the world that I need to save my temper for, other than the “horrors” of the airport and air travel, as mind-numbing and annoying as they may be, and I just zone the fuck out and none of it touches me.

The Zen Traveler (me) says: It’s an expectations game. I come to the airport expecting it to suck. I know I’m not going to get the seat I want, I know I will have to humiliatingly remove almost every article of clothing I am wearing at security, I know that when I remove my laptop from my bag as required that maxi-pads, tampons, or something else humiliating will come pouring out as well, I know that I will get ‘randomly selected’ to get felt up by a butch Ukrainian-American TSA officer, I know that there will be screaming children-of-the-corn by the dozen, I know the plane will be packed, I know they won’t serve me food, etc etc etc. And lo and behold: I’m never disappointed.

You’re going to be upset by air travel no matter what. It’s just a matter of how you approach it. So while the news is hyping the “Travel Nightmare” going on (apparently) in airports all over the country, I can smile, because I’m a little island of (aside from a bit of plane fear) peace and quiet in the terminal.

…And we’re boarding. Catch you on the flip side.

Oh man I am SO SORRY for the late blogging on this - it was a crazy weekend!

ani1.jpg

Ani was amazing in concert.  I can’t believe I’ve made it this far in my life and not seen her yet.  We were literally about 400 yards away from her, we got there early and waited in line in the cold… it was amazing.  Fucking amazing.  The energy in the club was fantastic, 1200 people perfectly together, totally focused on this one woman and the words she was singing.

She played a really long set, but the ones I remember are:

+ The Atom
+ Manhole
+ Dilate
+ 78% Water
+ Shameless
+ Sunday Morning

And her encore… WAS PERFECT ~ She played Gravel and 32 Flavors … I’ve never really seen a crowd like that - so fucking intense, everyone was singing for Gravel, everyone was alternately singing and silent for 32 Flavors.

Plus, the venue was so intimate that we all got to feel so close to her… it was incredible.  My life is complete now.  Really.
And the verdict stands: Ani DiFranco is a fucking Goddess.

I forgot to mention… if my posts begin to lose their thread of sanity (whatever might have been there before)-

I am officially off coffee until further notice.  (and any kind of alcohol, spicy food, or basically anything else i love.)

This is a horrible, awful place to be for a four-latte-a-day, two-hour-of-sleep-a-night graduate student who’s been addicted to caffeine since her 9th grade year.

My stomach, however, finally gave up a losing battle and made revolution two days ago, making coffee completely intolerable to me… a cruel cruel joke indeed.

Oh cruel world. What kind of justice is this? How can I carry on?

If I am not a coffee drinker, who am I????

Because I don’t want to be one of those people who care about pop culture. Really, I don’t!

But here, to you, my loyal (if non-existent) audience, I reveal my darkest secrets… I, in fact, have a television addiction. And my shows have been pissing me off so overwhelmingly lately that I just have to come up with some way to rationalize why… the only reason I can think of is the writers strike. I mean, I support the strike - I support almost any strike, I think everyone deserves to get paid for their work and just because it inconveniences me doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

That said….

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING TV SHOWS?!?!?!

I work hard! I don’t ask much of the world! But I come home and want to watch a tv show at night! AND THEY ALL MAKE BAD CHOICES. Wtf is up with that?

Here’s the rundown, spoilers aplenty, so far… in order of how badly it pissed me off:

CSI - Sara left after surviving the serial killer thing and agreeing to marry Grissom. It was so dumb too. She left him a fucking note. You skip town and say goodbye to the love of your life with a note?! RAWR. And there was no real motivation, just some stupid non-canon reference to when her father died, and a picture of her in a cab… there’s no good reason for her to leave and not come back, when she could just take some time off, a vacation, or just fucking quit her job. It was dumb and totally out of character.

Criminal Minds - Garcia shot, the last three seconds of the episode. Remind you of anything?? The exact same pattern as the way they got rid of Elle at the end of the first season, no explanation, nothing, just gets shot in the last second of the episode. Fucking idiotic. By a character we don’t know too.

House - Ok this is ridiculous. I admit the show has done nothing wrong and I’m just being stupid. But. He fired Dr. Terzi one episode after he hired her!!!! She quit the CIA to come work for him, he kept the asshole doctor, and fired the incredibly hot (did I mention incredibly hot) Dr. Terzi!!!! NOOooooo!

I know I know. It’s ridiculous. I do have better things to do than obsess over pop-culture but you know, I do love my tv shows. Except when they piss me off, as above. Sara Sidle was my favorite character and I may never be able to watch CSI again now that she’s gone. Fuckers.

My Advice: Let Bill Clinton go in and mediate the damn strike so American life can get back to normal and nobody has to watch the horror that is Quarterlife, or any of the other crap people are coming up with to fill the void created by the absence of good writers. (I’m not going to link it because I won’t advertise bad entertainment…)

Classmate: Blackwater got caught with their hands in the cookie jar…
me: Blackwater got caught with their hands in the civilian dead body jar!!!
Classmate: well you could look at it that way….

Prof: You gotta love the names they give them.  The 3rd Dam Security Battalion.   Say that out loud!

Prof: If I kill one guy in Albania, how many of his cousins am I going to have to deal with??   It’s crazy- it’s like West Virginia gone absolutely berserk!

Prof: It was the “guns for money” program we had.  You know, the drunken guy with grenades.

~

I couldn’t resist.  This guy is too great, I love this class.  Add to this the timeless “Getting shot sucks” that was on the powerpoint slide earlier in the semester and you’ve got a great class.

My dad came into my room holding his hat
I knew he was leaving,
he sat on my bed told me some facts, son.
I have a duty, calling on me
You and your sister be brave my little soldier
And don’t forget all I told ya
Your the mister of the house now remember this
And when you wake up in the morning give ya momma a kiss
Then I had to say goodbye

Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether al Jazeera or BBC 1
Misinformation is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Halliburton or Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

In the morning woke momma with a kiss on each eyelid,
Even though I’m only a kid
Certain things can’t be hid
Momma grabbed me
Held me like I was made of gold
But left her inner stories untold
I said, momma it will be alright
When daddy comes home, tonight

Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether al Jazeera or BBC 1
Misinformation is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Halliburton or Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

My story stops here, lets be clear
This scenario is happening everywhere
And you ain’t going to nirvana or farvana
You’re coming right back here to live out your karma
With even more drama than previously, seriously
Just how many centuries have we been
waiting for someone else to make us free
And we refuse to see
That people overseas suffer just like we
Bad leadership and ego’s unfettered and free
Who feed on the people they’re supposed to lead
I don’t need good people to pray and wait
For the lord to make it all straight
There’s only now, do it right.
Cos I don’t want your daddy, leaving home tonight

{Faithless ~ Mass Destruction}

I strongly recommend downloading this song.  It’s pretty fucking fantastic.   Faithless is an amazing group of artists with a constantly changing sound but consistently great lyrics and foundation in their music.

Plus, this song hits it.  Kind of amazing.

If you like Faithless - try checking out this music video, which is a North Korean Olympics-style game intro set to the music of a Faithless song, “More.”

It’s not very often that I end up in a situation that makes me feel like a moderate, so I felt this was worth expressing in words.

So, I studied abroad in Europe, at a very liberal university (as most are in the EU at this point), and I was studying International Development, so I ended up in a lot of seminars where the main theme was “European hippies bashing the US for all sorts of reasons, even though it was obvious they knew nothing about American politics nor had they ever been to the US.” And I did learn a lot, and I think so did they, because I participated actively, and reminded them that Americans do, in fact, also have points of view and educations in political science and maybe, just maybe, something interesting to add to the conversation. Not a fashionable thing to say right now, I know.

Let me just set something straight. I’m not little miss poster-child patriot right wing flag waiver. Ha. Far from it. I’ve been more than happy to admit there are any number of faults in this country’s government, but it’s also my home, and I also believe that there are some virtues that get missed when people engage in the typical uninformed, canned US-bashing that happens to be chic at the moment. And that’s just the problem. It’s canned, uninformed, and over-repeated, and people just eat it up because it’s the political fad at the moment.

Yes, the US empire is going to fall, ok, we get that. But I went to this lecture today, and it was so awful because, as a political scientist, it was so hard for me not to a) interrupt him rudely or b) leave the room rudely. At first I was thinking, this guy is a total crack - he’s lost it. He’s 80 years old, he must have been good in his earlier days, but he’s gone now, and this is even a little bit embarrassing. But then I started to listen a little while longer, and I recognized the exact same crap I was listening to at SOAS in London - uninformed, poorly thought through, impractical, canned anti-US crap.

He mentions the imperialism of having US military bases around the world, and how the “global feeling” is that the US should just withdraw all those bases right now and go home. From everywhere. And that everyone agrees about that.
A couple of things on this.
1) South Korea. The South Korean government does not want the US to withdraw bases from its soil, that’s why we’re still there. Believe it or not, we’ve been trying to scale down our military presence there for the past 7-10 years but every time we get to a certain point the SK government, no matter how left-leaning, flips out and begs us to come back. Remember who’s looming right on the other side of the DMZ there. Yeah, and remember who’s guarding that DMZ. Right. I’m not saying we haven’t made mistakes - the behavior of the US marines against SK civilians a few years back was unforgivable, heinous, and absolutely inexcusable under any circumstances, civilian or military. Nonetheless, our bases are needed there as a force for peace. This may be hard to comprehend but try to look at it from the perspective of someone who has to look at that fence every day. Would you rather see an American GI or an NK First Guard looking back at you?
We don’t actually do anything in SK anymore, but the presence is symbolic, and the nature of the balance of power in Northeast Asia is such that if one piece were removed the entire structure could crumble, and I don’t think it’s wise to force the US to be that piece.

2) We are scaling down our bases in Europe. By 2010, most of our GI’s in Germany will be in Iraq. Lucky them. They’re thrilled.

3) How would an isolationist US foreign policy help the world right now? What these people say they want is the US out of everything, right now. Basically, they want to return to the sort of Jeffersonian isolationist America where we feared “foreign entanglements” abroad and stayed happily protected by our little oceans. (Right up until the exact same people who are telling us to do that came begging us for help with their stupid wars) - a demand like this betrays an overwhelmingly limited knowledge of international politics and international political economy. Whether you like it or not, this is a globalized world — the United States, though we provide percentage-wise, the smallest portion of aid by GDP, provides one of the largest gross amounts of foreign assistance, in addition to technical assistance, FDI, etc.

Not to mention special assistance packages such as the ones to Israel and Egypt, our two largest recipients of aid. Okay, US out. Suddenly, the two countries we promised to protect (from each other, no less) go to war. Bye bye, Middle East/North Africa, because you just lost your stabilizing force, we’re not there to keep a lid on Israel, the treaty between Egypt and Israel is gone, and they’re both armed to the teeth and scared shitless of each other. Good plan!

And can we talk about India and Pakistan for a moment? Can anyone say nuclear war? Fun times.

Standing international arrangements, norms, financial and capital flows, the importance of foreign assistance, and the role of the United States in stabilization and humanitarian assistance as well as economic engagement make this demand not only ridiculous but completely impossible. Even if we wanted to - how would we go about doing that, oh Doomsday Seers?

Then, my favorite part, he goes into American domestic politics which is great because he’s never actually lived here or studied that, and he asks “where will resistance come from within the US?” He goes on to answer his own question, saying where it won’t come from: The American South (which he completely generalizes as the “Southern Baptist Convention”), it won’t come from women, it won’t come from “blacks”, it won’t come from “hispanics” (on this he quotes his ‘friend’ Sam Huntington)…..

I’m just going to leave out the blatant racism from this, except to say that anyone who quotes Samuel Huntington immediately loses my respect.  The old racist bastard and Cheney adviser devised “The Hispanic Problem” as the next issue facing the “Clash of Civilizations” and wouldn’t recommend interracial relationships because cultural differences are simply irreconcilable.  You know, all that tribal stuff and whatnot.

Resistance is everywhere!  The only person who could make a statement like this is someone who has spent less than a month in total on US soil.  As a young woman who marched both in Seattle at the WTO protest at 16 years old and had her first experience of tear gas at that young age, and also who marched on Washington in the March for Women’s Lives in 2004 with over a million of my fellow women activists, I have a hard fucking time buying this statement.  Everywhere I go I see resistance.  It comes in people of every color, every class, every gender and ever sexuality.  Protests, passive resistance, college forums, movements, push towards education - it’s all there.  But someone who just looks at the surface wouldn’t see that.

Someone who looks at the South and generalizes it in a way that was clearly meant to be derogatory probably wouldn’t see that many of the poorest counties in the deep South vote dependably democrat.  They’d discount that, or they wouldn’t even notice because it doesn’t fit in with their propaganda line.

Yeah, we’ve got our idiots.  So what?  Everywhere does.  But we’ve also got our activists.  I’d venture to say, some of the best, and most educated, in the entire world.  But if you don’t look, then how can you expect to find them?  And if you discount everything you see, what do you expect to find?

He also made a comment that really got under my skin, about how the seat of all killing, (like in the world) was in Seattle, with Boeing.   

I’d like to clear up that though Boeing has factories in Seattle, the headquarters are now in another city.  And if you want to insult my city and insult Boeing, fine, but I’d like you to think about the 380,000 people who lost their jobs when that company decided with no reason to leave Seattle after years of serving as an economic foundation for Seattle’s development.  Boeing left, Seattle still hasn’t recovered.

Maybe the headquarters of Boeing are evil puppetmasters of death, but the truth is that the people who got hurt in Seattle are Americans who had devoted their lives to that damned company and then suddenly had nothing.  Boeing betrayed Seattle, betrayed 380,000 Americans who have families, many of whom became homeless shortly thereafter.  It was a crisis that still hurts Seattle.  So go ahead, make a jab at my city.  You clearly don’t care about the cost of human life when it’s American suffering.

And jab my city.  Go on, insult it.  It’s rated the #1 most fuel efficient, greenest, most eco-conscious city in the United States by several independent analysts.  It’s also one of the most politically liberal cities in the country.

But go ahead.  You’ve probably never been there.  You’ve never had a friend who had to drop out of school because her dad went to work one day and his job wasn’t there.  Go on.  Sure, it’s the seat of all killing.  Because of Boeing.  Tell that to those people, I’m sure they’d love to hear that.

But if you’d like to be accurate in your next speech, Boeing is now located in the beautiful city of Chicago.  Thank you.

Yes, the Iraq war sucks. Yes, the American media lies a lot. Find me a country whose media doesn’t. Ok, our health care system bites - you think it’s better in Europe? Well try waiting 2 years for urgent surgery in England because NHS is backed up. Yeah, Social Security blows and should be better, but try living in a ghetto/slum in Paris where you have no rights and no voice and work under the radar for less than $2/day. It’s not really all that romantic anywhere else. Really. Yeah, we’ve made some pretty big mistakes, domestically and abroad. So go ahead, be anti-US, criticize America - I do all the time. But please, do it in an educated way. Because otherwise you’re just as ignorant as the other side, just eating up a line of bullshit propaganda that you don’t understand, and making yourself sound like an ass in the process.

she taught me how to wage a cold war with  quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed

oh oh oh.  life sometimes doesn’t agree with me.  sometimes i feel like i got hit by a train, and it’s like, damn, what just happened?!  are these pieces of my life in my hands?!  ouch.

man, i suck.  i’m sorry.

This is the first Ani song I ever heard. I bought the CD in high school, in 9th grade, first semester, basically my first week in the dorms. I put the CD in my roommate’s stereo and sat on the corner of my bunk bed wondering what was going to happen (I’d heard all sorts of things about this music), and it’s stuck with me somewhere ever since. So from 13 years old to 23, from one song to every album, I still find myself going back to this one song.  Out of all the Ani songs that would be perfect for this post, I choose Track One on the first Ani CD I ever bought.  (Which, in case you don’t know Ani like I do, is Imperfectly, which in 9th grade I picked out knowing nothing about Ani because I liked the title so much.)

if my life were a movie
there would be a sunset
and the camera would pan away
but the sky is just a little sister
tagging along behind the buildings
trying to imitate their gray
the little boys are breaking bottles
against the sidewalk
the big boys, too
the girls are hanging out at the candy store
pumping quarters into the phone
’cause they don’t want to go home

and i think,
what if no one’s watching
what it when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god ain’t looking down
what if he’s looking up instead

if my life were a movie
i would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything i do would be interesting
i’d play the good guy
in every scene
but i always feel i have to
take a stand
and there’s always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
i always feel i have to open my mouth
and every time i do
i offend someone
somewhere

but what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if there’s no time to lose
what if there’s things we gotta do
things that need to be said

you know i can’t apologize
for everything i know
i mean you don’t have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
’cause if you’re not trying to make something better
then as far as i can tell
you are just in the way

i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead
we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head

i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if no one’s watching…

{what if no one’s watching}

Half the time I go through life silently, half the time I go through like a bull in a fucking china shop.  You know?  I teeter between fatalism and fear.  Sooner or later I’m gonna open my mouth and it’s gonna piss someone off real good, but I hate doing that, I really do, so maybe I should just be a good girl and stay quiet.  Ha.  In case you hadn’t guessed- I’ve never been very good at being a good girl.  I’m not settling for pissing people off, but dammit I just want to carve out an inch to be myself without the world always pushing back!

No, I don’t know who I am.  I don’t really know who I’m mad at.   But I do have a sense of who I’m growing into… I think?

So I guess this is I’m sorry, for my tedious reductions, my arrogant assumptions that life can fit on a page.  I’m sorry for the pain I feel and the pain I cause as I do all the growing up I saved until now to do.  I’m sorry for the tripping and the bumping and the falling that has to happen while I make my way through this for the first time.

Theme number 2 of this blog: forgiving.

Oh, thank god for music.  I’d never have survived without it.

I should have been asleep an hour ago.  I have to get up early tomorrow, and run the ten million errands I never have time to do on Mondays.  Mondays are classes, noon to 8.  No time for anything.  Did manage to get my GOCard replaced though, so I’m no longer a GU refugee.

I told my dad the other night (this is mostly what inspired the last post) that I was really targeting Seattle, at least West Coast, law schools for next year.  I was really excited when I told him, I know it was in my voice, and I thought he would be really excited too, because I’d be closer too home and I could see him (and my mom too) more often… but the response was really quite the opposite.

First, I was a little taken aback that he was surprised that I was going to law school.  Hmm… it’s been a priority for at least the last year or so, and the application process has consumed my life for the last 6 months.  But the Worst Part was definitely the fact that suddenly the approval and support that had been there all along seemed to suddenly have dissipated.  I was left on the other end of the phone, hurt and confused, while he berated my choice of life path by telling awful lawyer jokes about how it’s funny that Musharraf is shooting lawyers.

Well, first, the lawyers he’s ‘disappearing’ happen to be dedicated, passionate people risking their lives for the cause of an independent judiciary in an autocratic state, so they don’t sound so horrible to me…

And second… why is it ok to berate your child’s life choices? It’s not like I said, hey dad I want to be a mechanic!

I know, I know.  I’m 23, and sooner or later I have to learn to be proud of myself, and not need my reassurance to come from anywhere else but me (or Liz, or friends, I guess)- but deep inside I think there will always be this little girl who just wants her dad to be proud of her.

Luckily for me, though, I’m strong and confident and capable and independent… and I do believe in myself, and though it breaks my heart that my family isn’t behind me, I know that no matter what, I’m going to shine like gold in the air of summer~ just by the fire of my own will, just by my own ability to follow my heart where it leads me in this life.

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