life, past due

I think I’ll begin with the moral of this story: never let a cheeseburger craving get the better of you after midnight on a Friday in DC.

So Liz and I realized, at about 11:30, that we hadn’t had anything to eat all day really, and we wanted to go to Five Guys in Georgetown for a burger. I was talking to Mischa online so we invited him, and planned on taking cabs and meeting there.

Well - in what was definitely a first for me - our cab got pulled over!!! Of course it was over something ridiculous and our cabbie was pissed, and I was trying to flash some pictures from my iphone without pissing off the cops even more, but it was an all-around general bizarre experience:

That’s the best I could get without basically stopping the cops and saying, “SMILE!!” Basically you can see the bright lights of the cop cars behind us, and the front headlight of a cop car in the picture on the right. They pulled the cab over for not stopping in the right place on a four way stop in Georgetown. Seriously. I do that, oh, four hundred times a day commuting to and from school. Liz thinks it’s because cops are still pissed off about the taxi strike the other day, but whatever the reason I think it’s ridiculous that in a city with a rising murder rate this is what the cops are doing at midnight on Friday. I mean, I’m glad to know all the real criminals, freak jobs, rapists, psychos, murderers, crack dealers, and other brands of scumbags have all been dealt with - the cops have so much time on their hands! I gave the guy my email address and told him I’d give a statement to contest the ticket. And I may have called the cop an asshole within listening distance. Oops.

And speaking of scumbags, freakjobs, and DC’s bottom-of-the-barrel folk, once we finally got to the burger place, the story just began. So Liz, Mischa, and I are happily chatting and eating our food, when our fries are brutally assaulted by some drunk ass motherfucker sitting right next to us, who we hadn’t noticed before. Seriously this guy was so drunk he couldn’t hold his head up; we were taking bets as to his BAC, I went with .24, and I was in a generous mood. Anyway after assaulting our fries (while the three of us stood by uselessly), he got up and assaulted an actual person… he went up to this poor girl and stood behind her and started touching her hair and generally being a creepy motherfucker, and her friend started yelling “hey back the fuck off!” and then it somehow turned into this mob scene, all these people appeared and started wailing on the drunk guy…

It was pretty amazing. After getting beaten on for a while, he went up to the counter where they gave him his very own bag of fries that he went and cried into.

Drunk, well-dressed, and alone in Georgetown, across the street from Smith Point. You gotta wonder what happened to that guy. Anyway.

Again, the moral of the story, if the cheeseburger isn’t worth your life, don’t risk it.